I wrote a few months ago about my father-in-law’s passing. But beyond saying he was missed, I didn’t really share some of the things Mr. Bartender and I learned or challenges we experienced along the way. And I really wanted to do that.
Taking care of your parents isn’t a new concept. The term “sandwich generation” has been around for years. And despite our best efforts to leave personal matters at the door when we come to work…it’s challenging. When someone you love and care about is sick or dying, it’s virtually impossible to stop thinking about it.
AARP recently published a report on caregiving in the U.S. While it only makes sense that taking care of a parent has an impact on work, I didn’t realize how much. The report states that 66% of family caregivers with jobs have arrived late, left early, or taken time off during the day for caregiving issues. So let’s face it, caregiving impacts work.
In our situation, Mr. B and I were fortunate that Dad was a planner. Seriously, I mean a planner. But even the best planners miss a few details. Here are some things we learned along the way that you might want to consider for yourself and your loved ones.
Know what long-term care options exist. We always figured that Dad would come live with us at some point. Well, Dad had ideas of his own. He wanted to stay in his house. Period. So, we had to figure out what we were going to do to make sure he was cared for. Lucky for us, another family member was in a position to move in and became Dad’s caregiver.
Get appropriate paperwork in order. It goes without saying that having a will is important. But also think about power of attorney, living wills, etc. My auto accident several years ago made me realize the importance of these documents and making sure the individuals entrusted with my care knew where they were and what they said.
Understand estate planning. There are a lot of laws and regulations when it comes to final distribution of a person’s estate. You have probate, estate taxes, federal and state taxes, etc. Regardless of the size of a person’s estate, you want to understand what happens to it and the tax implications.
Plan for virtual assets. In our situation, we knew where all of Dad’s files were and had discussed with him in great length is final wishes. The one thing we didn’t know? The password to his email account. Lucky for us, we only had one email to deal with. But it made us realize that, in our very cyber-connected world, we need to put a plan in place for someone to handle our virtual matters. I just read about three companies, LegacyLocker, MyWebWill and AssetLock, that offer these services.
Build trust. This might sound obvious – they’re a close friend or family member – of course there’s trust. Keep in mind, a time might surface when you have to make decisions regarding finances or medical care for another person. Being named a caregiver, trustee or executor is a huge responsibility. It’s not just about getting certain things done. It’s about having the trust of the person who put you in charge.
I understand it isn’t easy to face the thought of our parents not being with us. Or our own mortality. But by opening up the lines of communication and talking about the future, you can know that final wishes are being handled the way a person wanted. And avoid potential conflict when decisions need to be made.
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John Jorgensen says
Sharlyn, good post and something many of us need to deal with but few have given enough thought. We need to address this both as individuals and as compassionate HR pros. Have some sort of resource to help employees deal with these issues to build loyalty and to minimize time loss/distractions etc.
thanks.
Susanne says
Sharlyn, Thanks for this important post — for me it is very timely. My dad passed away suddenly in January and I am on the interesting adventure of helping my mother with all of the issues you mentioned. My dad planned his estate quite well, but he didn’t leave a good “roadmap” for us to follow in tracking everything down. Fortunately, (I suppose) he was of an age where he did not trust technology enough to have online accounts, passwords, etc. We’ve managed to track everything down, but it wasn’t easy!
The trust issue has become paramount for my mother and I, as she has never handled money and has no intention of learning, so she’s had no choice to look to me to help her with her finances. Because my parents have always been very private about financial matters, this has been a difficult adjustment for us both. This experience has certainly made me aware of a need to plan better. If only I can get around to putting that awareness into action!
Dave Wakely says
Sharlyn, commenting personally rather than in my ASK capacity on this one – a great post, and one that – as the only son of a widowed mother with severe Vascular Dementia – certainly rang a whole tower full of bells.
I’ve been struck by several things during the course of my mother’s decline: firstly, that employers have been incredibly understanding and supportive when I might not have expected them to be (I hope that means more than “I’ve been lucky” – without supportive employers, the nightmare would have been longer, deeper and darker); secondly, that responsibilities for parents isn’t something we tend to plan for and – as a consequence – those who depend on us as employees don’t always plan for either (again, I’ve been fortunate in this area, but I suspect many haven’t); thirdly, which may apply particularly to the demands of caring for dementia patients, this lack of understanding of what is involved and what needs to be done (and its impact) is partly driven by taboo.
We’re uncomfortable talking about what is a fact of life that has unavoidable consequences for others. I’ve been fortunate in working to managers who’ve had similar experiences within their own families, and have some comprehension. Without that, they would have been as in the dark as I was five years ago.
Something I hope HR functions and line managers do understand, but may not, is the importance to carers of attempting to maintain their own lives. While I might have needed the odd half-day off, or to take or make a few phone calls (and was always conscious to minimise the disruption), having and keeping that job was actually important to my own welfare. Our jobs and working lives are part of our self-identity: by helping us stay in them in trying times, HR can not only retain what we hope are valued talents, but give us the psychological boost that can lift our performance as well as our spirits.
Ray says
Hi Sharlyn!
for the last 14 years my folks have been living with us in their in-law suite. Worked great when our daughter was a baby and a toddler. Still working when Mom (85) has Parkinson and dementia, and Dad (88) is slowing down pretty steadily. I agree that planning is THE most important issue and if one’s parents are NOT planners, given my experience and $200K burn on assets, adult children should due what is best and force the issue.
Sharlyn Lauby says
@John – Thanks for the comment. I agree this is something for HR pros to understand.
@Susanne – Thanks for sharing your story. I think you raise a good point about putting plans into action. It’s never too early to start.
@Dave – Thanks so much for sharing your experience. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia. It adds a whole new layer to the situation. Good to hear that your employer was supportive. It just makes for good business.
@Ray – Good point. Having your parents live with you can really be a blessing for families as well. Thanks for the reminder!