There’s been some debate lately about being nice and likable as a competency. Not being one to shy away from a good debate, I have something to say about this topic…
I kinda view “nice” and “likable” as the same thing. So, while being nice is … well, um … nice, I don’t believe being likable is a key competency. As a business person, there are plenty of attributes I’d put above nice and likable on the competency spectrum.
One of them is honest. I’ve seen plenty of people who are nice but no one believes a word they say. Reminds me of the term, “all flash and no substance.” I’ve said this before: you can be forgiven for a lot of things but once you lose a person’s trust, I’m not sure you can ever get it back. On the other hand, I’ve known plenty of people who are direct, brash, and maybe even some days a real jerk … but I never questioned their honesty. People might find dealing with them completely exasperating and might disagree with their methods, but people knew where they stood and didn’t question their motives or intent.
Another one is results-oriented. There’s something to be said about people who get things done (think Bill Clinton). If you’re nice and people like you but you don’t accomplish squat, I’m not sure how that translates into a long and successful career. And, if everyone in your organization is “nice” but you don’t hit your goals, well…I’m not sure you’ll be in business very long.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not endorsing pure evil. But let’s face it…some people hide behind nice instead of having a tough conversation or making a difficult decision. Why does that happen? Maybe it’s because when people have those tough conversations, they’re labeled “not nice” because it’s easier to blame the messenger than hold ourselves accountable.
Sure, in an ideal world, we all want everyone we deal with to be honest, results-oriented, and nice. But, if all you can do in this world is be nice, what happens when that doesn’t get the job done?
I’d like to hear what you think on this. Let me know in the comments below.
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Hi! I'm Sharlyn Lauby, an HR pro turned consultant. I created the HR Bartender blog so people would have a friendly place to discuss workplace issues. And since, over the years, I've developed an appreciation for the culinary arts (translation: I'm a Foodie) you'll see some of that here too. So, pull up a stool and order your favorite drink . . . the bar is always open.
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I, too, have followed this notion through the blogsphere over the past few weeks. As a leadership competency, there are many words I’d chose above “kindness”. There’s a book called “Leading with Kindess” that seems to be prompting some of the buzz. I haven’t read the book; perhaps it’s fantastic and filled with amazing insights. It just seems to me that the word “kindess” was put on the front cover to get people to crack open the book.
Attributes that ARE relevent are things like compassion, empathy and emotional resilience. These are key leadership competencies that are in the “touchy feely” realm, yet are true differentiators in the leadership skillset. I’d put those in front of anything that connotes “niceness” or “kindess”.
Sharlyn, thanks for the link back, much appreciated.
You hit the nail on the head when you brought up honesty, for some reason, I think many people assume that being dishonest (even little white lies) save peoples feelings. I call Bravo Sierra on that!
Such an interesting post, Sharlyn!
I’m a big Broadway musical fan, and your post reminded me about a song from a show that essentially said the same thing. The song said that there is a difference between “nice” and “good”. Good, in the song, meant doing the right thing and being honest about it, even if it meant sacrificing some niceties to get there.
Being nice (or likable) certainly makes things easier, but not necessarily better.
Count me in the at-the-moment majority (rare for me!)
I’ve worked with companies that wanted “nice and likable” – and I’ve always preferred “gets things done, in the most polite manner possible” Sometimes nice doesn’t accomplish the goal. I want to see professionalism, but not “false/fake” – which is what I think of when someone describes an individual as “nice”. I usually get the impression there’s no “there” there.
I think it depends on the level of nice. You know you have those people that are overly nice and cant say no to anyone. Those are the people we dont need. One can be nice and still be able to get the job done. Like @tlcolson said above “get things accompished in the most polite manner possible”. When it gets to the point were being nice affects the ability to get the job done, be it either because they cant say no or dont want to hurt someones feelings, those people need to be moved out of the way. Sometimes you have to be forceful even it means coming across as not being nice. On the honesty part, I would rather someone tell me the truth any day than have someone lie to me because they dont want to mean, in business or personal life.
Great post per usual.
My feeling is that being nice and being likable are two different things. Being nice is more of a personal attitude and action set that drives perception whereas being likable is simply driving a perception. Does that even make sense? Like how all squares (nice people) are rectangles (likable people) but rectangles (likable people) are not always squares (nice people). And before anyone puts words in my mouth, I don’t think nice people are squares
Now I don’t put being likable over being honest or being results oriented. I do think it is a skill that one can hone and use to his or her advantage in business though. It doesn’t mean you’re a pushover though. It means you’re generally pleasant to work with and it gains some credibility when you do have to pull out a clue by four because you don’t use force as your sole persuasion technique.
Having recently been dubbed “The Witzerland of HR Bloggers” by @Stelzner, I subscribe to the theory that you can be competent, deliver timely and effective results, and still be likable. It doesn’t require being perky or chatty, just respectful, attentive and understanding while doing what needs to get done.
Doesn’t a personal touch always deliver a little extra in the customer service experience?
That would be the “Switzerland of HR Bloggers” !
Just came across you blog, and at first glance I like what I see! Very great points made in this post. I like to think of one of my core competencies as “nice,” but sometimes nice doesn’t get you far in the business world (or, from another perspective, sometimes it doesn’t get your business far). To thcolson’s point above, getting things done (ie, productive?) is often a much better quality to possess and promote. I do think it’s possible to be both nice and productive, but I’d rather see someone lead with a clear objective in mind, and sometimes that doesn’t always involve being nice. However, i think the ideal leader leads with positiveness, a key characteristic to being productive.
Thanks for sharing your views, I look forward to reading more!
-Andrea, @AndreaNowack
Muchas gracias to everyone for their comments! Absolutely . . . in a perfect world, it would be wonderful to possess all of the qualities mentioned, but in reality that’s a pretty tall order. Which begs the initial thought of where does being nice fit in relative to other leadership competencies.
Lance’s comment has given me something to ponder…are nice and likability two different things? Hmmm…might be something for a future post.
Sharlyn:
I have always appreciated the following quote on niceness from Malcolm Gladwell…
It [is] the practice of niceness that [helps] keep other values, such as fairness, at bay. Fairness sometimes requires that surfaces be disturbed, that patterns of cordiality be broken, and that people rudely or abruptly be removed from their place. Niceness is the enemy of fairness.
Food for thought!
I am currently reading a book Captializing on Kindness by Kristin Tillquist that is based on the philosophy that “being nice” is a key component of being successful. It discusses the urban myth that business minds must choose between being kind and being successful. She defines Kindness as reputation, reciprocity, personality, thanks and connecting. Check out her website at http://www.kindnesscapital.com.
Great topic
Funny, I was just thinking you don’t have to like your boss but you need to respect them. So I’ll take competent over nice any day!
Any good martial arts school can teach the life principals required to be a good citizen. Compassion, Cooperation, Appreciation, Self Control, Honesty, Integrity…
But how can anything so scarce can be called “Common Sense”?
I don’t see anything here regarding gender differences. Research has shown that women are disproportionately punished if not perceived as “nice.” They are less successful if forthright and direct. Anything to say on this?
Interesting thought. Thanks for commenting Kris. Lance Haun, author of Rehaul blog, wrote a great guest piece here about his views on nice and likable being two different things. You might want to check it out.
http://www.hrbartender.com/2009/employee/being-likable-isnt-nice-and-other-subtle-manipulations/