Being Likable Isn’t Nice (And Other Subtle Manipulations)
(Editor’s Note: I was very intrigued by a comment left by Lance Haun – publisher of Your HR Guy – on my recent Nice and Likable post. Instead of putting my own spin on his words, I invited Lance to expand on his thoughts in a guest post. My thanks to Lance for his contribution. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did.)
I realize I am chiming in here late but there have been some great posts out there about whether being nice and likable is a business skill. HR Bartender had one that referenced Human Resources Pufnstuf that referenced PunkRock HR that referenced a conversation with Nancy King (You get all of that?). Great comments all around but I want to approach it a little differently. It was touched upon on here briefly in the comments section that I believe being likable and being nice are two separate states. They are viewed as the same thing by some because the terms are often used interchangeably when they shouldn’t be. Think I am being too picky? Let’s think about this more.
Likable Isn’t Always Nice
Being nice is an attitude and a way of life. You do kind things, you don’t get in arguments, and you may seen as a pushover because you avoid conflict. If you’ve chosen to be this way, that’s fine and I can’t kick anyone for being that kind of person. It would be insane. But being likable is different. It is an easy going persona, maybe a way you choose to generally interact with people but it isn’t always nice. So why do we call likable people nice?
The problem is calling someone likable sounds like a backhanded compliment. So when I met Sharlyn for the first time in person, she was down to earth and easy to talk to. So how do I describe her to people that ask? “Oh Sharlyn? She’s likable.” Aren’t you ready for me to insert in a “but” in there somewhere? If I say she is nice though, people aren’t assuming a bad intention on my part. It is just easier.
The thing is, I know Sharlyn isn’t nice all of the time. How could she be? If she was nice in contract negotiations, she’d be out of business. If she was nice in client consultations, she wouldn’t be able to tell them how they are messing up.
Here’s my hunch though: likability has helped open doors for her like it has opened them for me. And when it is “let’s get down to business time”? Being likable can help negotiate better deals, make the thought of doing business together less objectionable and can help transform your role as a pushy stranger into a friend who is just looking out for their fellow person.
Manipulation is Such a Dirty Word
The reason I included it in the post title is because that’s what it can come off as if you’re doing it wrong. Being manipulative is about intent and I am not advocating that. Manipulative behavior is easily seen through and isn’t effective. But there is a fine line between being manipulative and realizing/acting on people’s perceptions of you in a way that will be productive.
Does that mean people are going to look at me differently than before? Are they going to wonder what secret manipulation technique I am using today to make sure I get my way? Probably not. But am I aware of my personality and how it can either open or close doors for me? Do I choose to continue to act and be perceived the way I am with purpose? Of course.
That’s why being likable is a fantastic business skill to work on and develop. As I said in my comment, I wouldn’t put it above some other critical business skills but I think it would be foolish to ignore the impact it has on your business and career.
Now, would a nice guy say you’re being foolish?
Lance Haun is VP of Outreach for MeritBuilder and boldly blogs at YourHRGuy.com. While he is generally likable, the tables can quickly turn sour if the topic of conversation turns to the LA Lakers, Seattle Seahawk football (circa 1976-2000) and spaghetti as a dinner option.
0