One of the never-ending discussions of working people deals with how to manage our work and home lives. There are so many different conversations about how to deal with it: implementing a results only work environment (ROWE), meshing personal and professional and dealing with it singularly, or declaring the whole concept of work life balance bunk. Regardless of your viewpoint, there will be moments when you have both a work demand and a home priority that take place at the same time. That’s the dilemma this reader faces.
I recently got a new job. I was very up front before I was hired that I am a single parent with small children. My boss (and his boss, a VP) keep telling me that after hours events are mandatory (yet they will not pay for a sitter). Now there is a conference (4 nights) and again I am required to attend.
I have told both my bosses that you can’t board children the way you board pets and my family is not willing to care for them for that length of time. I have offered to attend via conference call or Skype and those ideas were rejected. I am simply told to “make arrangements”.
Can they discipline / reprimand / fire me for not attending? What are my options? I need this job but the “support” I was told about in the interview doesn’t seem to exist. Please help. Thank you!
I think this story is reflective of work/life issues that are a common occurrence. Probably more common than we want to admit at times. It raises several issues.
Individuals and organizations need to define “support”. In this situation, I don’t know what was agreed upon between the new hire and the company. But I would suggest to both parties, you need to clearly define what support means. For example, is the company willing to support the person on a daily basis with dropping off and picking kids up from school but the employee needs to attend the conference because it’s such an important event? These are the topics that should be discussed in adequate detail and agreed upon – preferably before hiring.
Individuals should figure out what matters. And I mean what truly matters. Now, I’m not saying kids don’t matter. While I don’t have children, I have people who are important in my life. That being said, I’ve worked on my birthday, my wedding anniversary, Christmas Day, etc. And I’ve worked with people where every single event in their personal lives was important and they didn’t flex at all. If the company is willing to work with you, be prepared to share what events in your personal life are negotiable and which ones aren’t. Be as specific as possible and be prepared for pushback.
Companies should evaluate what is really a command performance. I know it’s terrific to have the entire management team at certain events. And companies believe every event is critically important. But sometimes everyone really doesn’t need to be there. If an organization has an annual event that’s also a command performance, it might be beneficial to tell people during the hiring process. It eliminates all the confusion.
Realize that “stuff happens”. Even when you have all these conversations, clearly define expectations, and agree upon support, something might happen that will blow the plan out of the water. Years ago, I was scheduled to attend a company meeting. It was an important meeting; they all are. The morning of the meeting, Mr. Bartender got an eye infection and needed to go to the emergency room. I called my boss and told them I would be late to the meeting. My boss’ reply, “No, you need to attend the meeting. Your husband is a grown man and can drive himself with one eye.” Let me just say I didn’t consider that to be the right answer.
To give everyone the benefit of doubt in this story, my advice is to re-establish exactly what support means. Hopefully everyone involved can reach an agreement they can live with.
What do you think? Any additional advice you can share with this reader?
Image courtesy of DrasticJo
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Katherine Razzi says
Hi Sharlyn,
I hope it’s not a lot of bunk because as much as we try to schedule our lives around work, there are some things that just must be dealt with during working hours. I mean consider those 40 hours per week during prime time business hours; doctors, dentists, lawyers, etc. Not everyone can schedule these appointments on Saturdays. If you’re in retail, and work weekends, you may have a day or two off during the week, which is nice to be able to schedule appointments. And as you mentioned, there’s the unforeseen such as emergency care, you have to take the time off, even if it’s only a few hours in which you can make up time to your employer later.
Some jobs just can’t offer the kind flex time most office workers enjoy. What if you’re on an assembly line working on a third shift? Your coworkers and boss are very dependent on your hands being there on time all the way to the end of your shift when the whistle blows. The factory environment operates in a militant fashion, and must remain so in order to survive. I think it takes a person with a strong constitution with a large network of family and friends to help out in emergencies and manage household affairs.
All in all, being human beings, and with modern technology at our fingertips, you would think we would be freed up to flex our lives more, cut down the old 40 hour work week to 20 hours and call that full time. Technology promised to make our lives easier in order to flex our time and make work life balance easier. Now, it’s being questioned? Remember when once upon a time, we all thought robots would take our jobs away? Ha! Glad we are still needed with our big brains behind the helm. But it didn’t help us with work life balance even a smidgen.
I’m curious. Did you take your husband to the doctor anyway? I hope so!
k:
david k waltz says
Sharlyn,
This is obviously a dilemma with no simple solution.
I remember an HR training awhile back – we were told not to talk about kids or families at all in interviews.
What we are supposed to do is be very specific and clear about job requirements – “this job requires you to attend weeklong conferences out of town, are you able to do that?” or “this position requires frequent night time events, are you able to do that?”
Spilt milk in this case. Companies seem to have the upper hand these days since unemployment is still high.
How is the performance situation? Sometimes these things are done to drive people to resign. Is that the case here? Or is the performance stellar? In that case it seems like a discssion could be broached.
Sharlyn Lauby says
@Katherine – I agree. People and companies have got to figure this out. I believe a big key is a little soul searching about what’s important and communicating expectations. And yes, I did take my husband to the doctor. Never heard another word from my boss about it.
@David – Interesting point about performance. I have seen situations where employee’s with stellar performance are granted much more flexibility. Maybe the company’s perception is they don’t have to worry about the work getting done.
Buzz Rooney says
I’ve been on both sides of the issue, as a manager and as a single mom with 2 young children.
I agree that employers care less now about making arrangements for family stuff. They just expect you to handle it. If the reader knew about mandatory events before taking the job, she might be reprimanded for missing the events. It sucks but it may happen.
The reader has to decide if she cares. If she wants to keep the job, she needs to build her support system to find a way to make it work. If she doesn’t want to keep the job or grow in the company, she may just have to burn the bridge and start looking for work somewhere else.
Going forward with job searching, the reader should talk to current employees about how they feel about work life balance. Google for feedback or chat with people online about the real deal to see if the company really supports balance or just gives lip service to it.
Good luck!
Sharlyn Lauby says
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and expertise Buzz. It’s amazing how many challenges really come down to open communication.
Emily says
Sharlyn,
Great post, and I think this requires a need to come back to how we define success (which is happening). Over the past two decades, the pathway to success and promotions were more readily apparent to smart, ambitious employees who were willing to participate in frequent business dinner events with clients and colleagues and travel to industry conferences (not just one day but several days at a time) not to mention travel to client meetings that often could change at a moment’s notice. Don’t want to ‘genderize’ too much, but I often worked alongside male colleagues who were single or who had wives at home holding down the fort (or mansion) so they never had to worry about the dry cleaning, the homework, the after school activities, the marketing, and the million other things that a household and family needs to run efficiently. For working women, that entire rhythm gets thrown out the window when you’re at a conference for 4 days and causes lots of stress regardless of whether you have outsourced those tasks or have someone to cover for you or not. At some point it’s not worth it.
With regard to the individual above, any company not willing to be flexible with an employee and their work-life concerns is not worth building a career around. I think we’re going to see a lot more about how people define success and happiness and whether the sacrifices certain jobs require are worth it in the end.
-Emily
Sharlyn Lauby says
Thanks for the comment Emily. I agree with you – everyone has to define their version of success. I do believe it’s one of the unexpected outcomes from the Great Recession. Individuals are taking stock of what’s important and how to achieve the happiness they want in life (both personally and professionally).
To your example about working women, let me add that Mr. Bartender has quit his job and moved for my career – twice. He’s also been stuck putting the hurricane shutters up on our home solo because I had to stay at work – since I was the only manager with no children. So the gender discussion can go both ways.