It’s very easy to say that you have to separate personal from business. So much harder in real life.
During the time I was a human resources director in Corporate America, I was always pretty guarded at work. I never knew when I would have to discipline or terminate someone. So to avoid the emotional turmoil, I tried to steer clear of having friends at work. The downside to this strategy is that people can – and will – label you as being cold, aloof and some days just a plain old witch (um…or more often something that rhymes with it.)
But in one of my former lives, I became friends with a fellow manager at a company where I worked. We were the only two women executives. Right around the same age. Had a lot in common on a personal level.
What was amazing about our friendship was our ability to keep our personal feelings out of business decisions. Trust me when I tell you, this wasn’t easy. We would be at opposite sides of a decision and had to work toward building compromise.
Where it might seem logical that our friendship would keep us working toward a common goal, I think we were both overly concerned about letting our friendship get in the way. So it would actually take us longer to find common ground.
Then add the dimension that comes into play when I was the director of human resources and had to make decisions about my friend’s future with the company. Examples like: what should her responsibilities entail, what kind of increase should she receive, will she be a part of the succession plan, or should she transfer to another location to expand her skills.
Being a manager is tough and sometimes very lonely. I’ve learned over time it doesn’t always have to be that way. You can have friends at work, but only if your friends are as mature as you and are always keeping the goals of the organization first.
Or as Sarah White over at I’m So Corporate blog calls it, taking the “Big Girl Pill” to succeed.
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Lorne Pike says
You’re on familiar ground for me here, Sharlyn. Both while running my own business, and in my earlier days working for bigger companies, I’ve known well the balancing point of being a person while also being a decision maker. One thing I learned is that perception is as important as reality. Even if you and the friend handle everything perfectly, it can still lead to issues and grief if others think you’re not being fair. The tensions and dissensions can be every bit as tough as if you had been flagrantly unfair.
The newer challenge these days though is Facebook. I’ve known of employers and employees who tried to be friendly by inviting key people to be friends on Facebook, only to find later that it came at a price. This is one place where it might be best to remain a bit distant. Again, even perfectly innocent comments can sometime give the wrong perceptions. As you said, while it has its rewards, “Being a manager is tough and sometimes very lonely.”
Great post. Thanks for the reminder!
working girl says
This is a thought-provoking post, especially the bit about putting the goals of the organization first. I’ve been in situations where I simply didn’t believe that the stated goals of the organization were actually in the best interests of the organization. So, I can envision a situation where two professionals disagree, not because only one of them has the interests of the organization in mind, but because they each define it differently based on their own data points and values. How do you personally draw that line? The easy answer is to follow the stated goals, which I believe is what HR usually does. Heck, it’s what I usually do, although I’m not in HR. But in your opinion, is it always that simple? Where should HR stand?
Alison Green / Ask a Manager says
It’s really, really hard — harder than anyone ever thinks it’s going to be until they’re living it. As Lorne points out, even if you’re truly being fair, other people may assume there’s no way for the friendship not to color your decisions. And it’s so hard to avoid having a weird dynamic introduced into the friendship, because friendships aren’t designed for one friend to have power over the other, or to be charged with judging the other, etc. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it — some friendships justify the difficulties! But it’s hard.
Sharlyn Lauby says
Thank you for the comments.
I think the balancing act is achieved through respect. When people respect each other enough to disagree and still be able to grab a beer after work. When employees know you’re respectful of them and the organization – even if you have friends at work. Managers who will speak up about company decisions but respect the company’s right to make them. And even companies that will respect educated pushback to their decisions.
Being able to see that differences aren’t personal isn’t as easy as it sounds. Many people interpret it as “you’re not supporting me so, you’re not my friend anymore.”
I wish there was an fool-proof way to respond. I do know that the people I consider to be a real, true friends have never put me in that position.
Sarah White says
I’m right there with you on always keeping my personal/professional very distinct – until last year when I started letting these people that I see over and over and over past the wall.
I’m honored you made reference to my Big Girl Pill article. I honestly have to pull that post out and reread it to myself when I get my feeling hurt about something and have to remember it isn’t personal – there are a million different ideas, agendas, decisions, directions, etc and regardless of how they make me feel – none of them were done to purposefully make me feel bad.
I also realized that no matter what I did (or didn’t do) someone was going to be unhappy, upset, disappointed, etc in me. I had to learn to find my own voice and just follow what I always thought was right.
Like you said – my true friends – i’ll support 100%, they’ll support me 100% and life will go on.
As a common phrase in my generation goes… Haters going to hate.
Sharlyn Lauby says
Thanks for the comment Sarah. I also have to remind myself that disagreements aren’t personal – as long as they’re about doing what’s best for the organization and the people we interact with.
There was a very interesting session at BlogHer10 about using humor in writing. The panelists were talking about the fine line between snarky and satire. They mentioned the same thing – someone somewhere will always take offense. The best thing is to be yourself and be comfortable with the person you are.