Comments on: Taking Care of Parents

By: Sharlyn Lauby

Sharlyn Lauby — Wed, 19 May 2010 11:33:39 +0000

@John – Thanks for the comment. I agree this is something for HR pros to understand.

@Susanne – Thanks for sharing your story. I think you raise a good point about putting plans into action. It’s never too early to start.

@Dave – Thanks so much for sharing your experience. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with dementia. It adds a whole new layer to the situation. Good to hear that your employer was supportive. It just makes for good business.

@Ray – Good point. Having your parents live with you can really be a blessing for families as well. Thanks for the reminder!

By: Ray

Ray — Tue, 18 May 2010 15:51:50 +0000

Hi Sharlyn!
for the last 14 years my folks have been living with us in their in-law suite. Worked great when our daughter was a baby and a toddler. Still working when Mom (85) has Parkinson and dementia, and Dad (88) is slowing down pretty steadily. I agree that planning is THE most important issue and if one’s parents are NOT planners, given my experience and $200K burn on assets, adult children should due what is best and force the issue.

By: Dave Wakely

Dave Wakely — Tue, 18 May 2010 15:42:30 +0000

Sharlyn, commenting personally rather than in my ASK capacity on this one – a great post, and one that – as the only son of a widowed mother with severe Vascular Dementia – certainly rang a whole tower full of bells.

I’ve been struck by several things during the course of my mother’s decline: firstly, that employers have been incredibly understanding and supportive when I might not have expected them to be (I hope that means more than “I’ve been lucky” – without supportive employers, the nightmare would have been longer, deeper and darker); secondly, that responsibilities for parents isn’t something we tend to plan for and – as a consequence – those who depend on us as employees don’t always plan for either (again, I’ve been fortunate in this area, but I suspect many haven’t); thirdly, which may apply particularly to the demands of caring for dementia patients, this lack of understanding of what is involved and what needs to be done (and its impact) is partly driven by taboo.

We’re uncomfortable talking about what is a fact of life that has unavoidable consequences for others. I’ve been fortunate in working to managers who’ve had similar experiences within their own families, and have some comprehension. Without that, they would have been as in the dark as I was five years ago.

Something I hope HR functions and line managers do understand, but may not, is the importance to carers of attempting to maintain their own lives. While I might have needed the odd half-day off, or to take or make a few phone calls (and was always conscious to minimise the disruption), having and keeping that job was actually important to my own welfare. Our jobs and working lives are part of our self-identity: by helping us stay in them in trying times, HR can not only retain what we hope are valued talents, but give us the psychological boost that can lift our performance as well as our spirits.

By: Susanne

Susanne — Tue, 18 May 2010 13:03:21 +0000

Sharlyn, Thanks for this important post — for me it is very timely. My dad passed away suddenly in January and I am on the interesting adventure of helping my mother with all of the issues you mentioned. My dad planned his estate quite well, but he didn’t leave a good “roadmap” for us to follow in tracking everything down. Fortunately, (I suppose) he was of an age where he did not trust technology enough to have online accounts, passwords, etc. We’ve managed to track everything down, but it wasn’t easy!

The trust issue has become paramount for my mother and I, as she has never handled money and has no intention of learning, so she’s had no choice to look to me to help her with her finances. Because my parents have always been very private about financial matters, this has been a difficult adjustment for us both. This experience has certainly made me aware of a need to plan better. If only I can get around to putting that awareness into action!

By: John Jorgensen

John Jorgensen — Tue, 18 May 2010 11:29:28 +0000

Sharlyn, good post and something many of us need to deal with but few have given enough thought. We need to address this both as individuals and as compassionate HR pros. Have some sort of resource to help employees deal with these issues to build loyalty and to minimize time loss/distractions etc.

thanks.