We all want assurance that the apologizer is really sincere and he or she is really contrite. But the reality is that we can never be sure of what’s in another’s hearts. All we have to go on is what they do. And that’s why I say don’t worry so much about the apologizer’s motives. Look at the quality of the apology in terms of the language, the tone of voice, the quality of the restitution, and most important, the degree to which you can observe that the apologizer has really changed his or her conduct.

If someone wrongs me, and then comes to me with an apology that specifies what he did, admits that it was wrong, accepts responsibility for it, says he’s sorry, offers complete restitution, promises not to do it again and then demosntrates that promise over time, then I can accept that apology. It doens’t matter to me if an apology starts in cynicism, if it concludes with the offender actually ending the offending behavior and demonstrating a new approach to me and the world. That’s all I can expect of apology.

Some form of payback / compensation / reparation is all that counts. IOU. I will make it up to you.

When you can’t make it up to the person in real terms you have to suck up / provide a service to them in some way — if you want her to feel that you are serious about your concern.